Suffering from NaMonia – Night Farts of A Drunken Lord

‘What the ****!!’

3AM in the morning - Lightning struck! The music in my ears stopped. I pulled out my ear phones.

‘I will drink to that!’ I told myself, enlightened; sat up on the bed and drank a glass of water, bottoms-up.

The writing was on the wall. I started staring at it like a lunatic.

‘What happened?’ my wife asked, worried; her left eye painfully open.

‘Nothing...nothing! Sleep...sleep...’ I whispered tapping her forehead, caressing her back to sleep like a puppy.

‘What is that smell? Did you drink and come again?’ she shouted opening her second eye. They were wide open, glowing in the dark, staring up and down at me.

‘No...no!’ I stammered taking my hand off her head in a flash.

‘Don’t lie to me!?!’ she thundered.

‘What..No..I am not...Promise!’

She slammed shut her big-bulging eyes, turned her back on me and rolled far away in disgust. I heaved a huge sigh of relief.

‘Great...’

I lived to die another day; stealthily slipped out of bed, turned on my laptop, and sat down gently; my butt kissing the soft cushion of the squeaky chair.

‘I hope the light stays...’ I prayed opening up the task manager window.

I had seen the silver lining; the angry, midnight-blue clouds were howling; scolding me with a fluorescent stick to fall asleep. But I was determined, in no mood to listen to anyone. Drunk to the gills, struck by lightning I decided to have it down in writing.

‘I can also become PM…’ I announced quietly; my voice quivering. ‘Yes, yes, why not...?’ I gave it a confident second thought. ‘No wait! Hang on... I am drunk!’

Realization struck. I was under the influence of alcohol. It was not the best time to stand for the post of Prime Minister.

‘If not me then who else?’ I asked myself. ‘Rahul Gandhi?’

‘No! You are better than him!’ pat came the reply in unison. My heart and mind were unanimous in their decision. Sir Sri Pappu was out of the question and equation. ‘Then…in that case it leaves just one person…’

‘But will he be able to change everything? Something? Anything??’my heart screamed in pain.

Silence followed. The clouds roared. Droplets of rain started to pour. I was itching to break the silence, ask more.

‘Will…will there be no scams once he becomes PM?’ my heart dared to ask.

‘Have you ever bribed a government employee to get your work done?’ my mind shot back.

‘What?’

‘Yes or No!’

‘Yes, but I was forced to…’

‘No excuses!!’

I hung my head in shame.

‘What is the matter? Go on…ask!’

‘What about terrorist attacks? Can he stop them, if he becomes PM?’ my heart attacked, pumping alcohol adulterated blood in full force into my nerves. I could smell it at the back of my tongue.

‘Have you ever been vigilant enough to report an unidentified object? Have you ever tried stopping a crime from happening in-front of your eyes? Have you ever reported a crime, filed a FIR, helped someone in distress or called 100?’ my mind counter-attacked. There was nowhere to hide.

‘This is no answer…’ my heart choked flooded with questions. ‘I need answers not questions!!’ drowning, gasping, it cried for help.

My mind kept quiet. There was no help in sight. Yet, my heart had not given up the fight.

‘Okay…Riots…? What about them? Everyone blames him for Gujrat riots…Godhra kand! Am I to blame for that too?’

‘Good question! But when did I blame you for anything?’

‘What… Are you… Nothing! Forget it! Please answer.’ my heart requested.

‘Answer? What answer?’

My mind was playing games. My heart did not mind.

                ‘Godh…’

‘Do you believe in God? Have you ever worshipped idols? Have you ever discriminated people on religion? Have you ever mocked a person on the basis of religion? Do you ever…’

‘Stop! Stop!! Mercy! Have mercy on me please!!’ my heart begged; on it’s knees, trying desperately to stop the heartburning queries. My mind was on the attack. I had to stop the charge. ‘Why are you not giving me a straight answer?’ my heart asked, harassed.

‘The answer lies in the question… my dear friend! How crystal, clear, transparent or vivid do you want it to be? Tell me!’

My heart missed a beat. The blood in my veins froze. I was silenced into submission; shut my eyes in pain, trying hard to envision.

                ‘Okay, I get it! But if everything is to remain the same then why should I vote for him?’ my heart asked, promptly skipping the irresistible rape and the million dollar rupee question, saving itself from further humiliation.

                ‘Don’t vote! Vote for the hand! Rahul Gandhi will become PM and show you his middle finger!’ my mind mocked.

                ‘Non-sense! I will show him mine after voting his rival!’ my heart righteously rejected.

                ‘Good! But anything else you would like to do?’ my mind probed peeping into my soul.

                ‘I…I will change… change for the better! And do my bit to help change the society and the nation.’ my heart resolved taking a deep breath. The blood in my veins started to flow. My mind was gung-ho.

                ‘Great! Now we are talking!’

‘But what about the party members and ministers? Will they be as corrupt as the Congress and it’s allies? Will they support him to bring about change?’

                ‘Your guess is as good as mine! Everyone is free to do what they feel like…’

                ‘Rubbish! What kind of an answer is this?’ my heart cried out.

                ‘What is this change, change, change…? If you do not change anything, why do you expect others to bring about change?’ my mind

                ‘Because he is the leader...’

                ‘So are you! Every one of us is a leader, every one of us is a citizen of India, every one of us is responsible to change ourselves and the nation!! Don’t we?'

It dawned on me. I slammed shut the window. It was raining outside. I was sweating inside.

                ‘Errr…yes…’

As the clamour for Narendra Modi as the Prime Minister of India reaches a crescendo I rag my soul with these questions time and again. Change is certain. Time has come for a revolution. We have to fight for our next generation. It’s now or never.

                ‘What… What are you doing?’

                ‘Huh…nothing…nothing…’ I replied startled, shaking my head, wiping the beads of sweat off my forehead. My wife was up and awake. The tête-à-tête was interrupted.

                ‘Nothing…?’ she probed.

‘I mean just surfing…’ I said stretching, throwing my head backwards.

‘Is it raining?’

‘Yes…’

                ‘It is already 6 AM! When are you going to sleep?’ she interrogated, glaring at me.

                ‘I will… in…’

‘What is wrong with you? Have you gone mad? Don’t you have office tomorrow? Aren’t you planning to go to office today?’

                ‘Yes, I will… You go back to sleep. Leave me alone please!’ I pleaded, much to contemplate.

                ‘Do whatever you want to…’ she uttered jumping out of bed. Her hairs askew like a crow’s nest.

                ‘What? Where are you going?’ I asked.

                ‘None of your business!’ she retorted, storming out.

                ‘What the ****!!’ 

PS: I am no Tiger Boods. Juts went to bra and drinked.

Mind over Matter

Preface:

Once upon a time when I was a small-little boy I remember reading a short passage from the epic Mahabharata; the story of Yaksha Prashna. The mighty Pandavas were serving twelve years of exile in a forest and at the end of their exile period the Pandava princes came across a Brahmin who complained that a deer has taken his Arani (The pair of wooden blocks to generate fire by friction) on its antlers and therefore he was not able to light the fire for performance of Vedic rituals. The valiant Pandava princes set out to retrieve the Brahmin's Arani and followed the hoov-marks of the deer.

In the quest of the mysterious deer, Yudhisthir, became exhausted and thirsty. Therefore, Sahadeva, the youngest, ventured to fetch water and found a beautiful lake. The lake was devoid of any living creature except a crane (Baka). When Sahadeva attempted to take water from the lake, the crane spoke, "O Sahadeva! The water of this lake will turn into poison if you take it without satisfactorily answering my questions."

Sahadeva, in arrogance, did not pay heed and hurriedly took water from the lake. Upon drinking the water which appeared crystal clear, Sahadeva died instantly of poisoning. The next Pandava, Nakula followed Sahadeva, found the same lake, saw dead Sahadeva, and was also warned by the crane. But Nakula also ridiculed the baka and died after drinking the water. In the same manner, both valiant Arjuna, and powerful Bheema, met the same fate.

Since none of the brothers returned with water, Yudhisthir embarked in search of his younger brothers and water. Upon following the same path, Yudhisthir came across the lake and found all his brothers lying dead. Before searching for the killer of his brothers, Yudhisthir decided to drink some water from the lake. But when the crane warned him, Yudhisthir harked back and listened intently. He instantly realised that the crane holds the answer to the turn of events. In virtuosity that Yudhisthir represented, he proceeded to answer the questions put forth by the crane.

But before putting the questions to Yudhisthir, the crane revealed itself as a Yaksha (nature-spirit). The Yaksha asked 18 questions with philosophical and meta-physical ramifications.

I am a chapter:

While reading the wicked questions to my utter surprise I came across a very innocuous one : What is faster than the wind? I read it carefully one more time, twice to be absolutely sure, thrice to lock the answer for Amitabh Bachchan's sake. Having studied science and the speed of light my lightening quick answer was: Light! "EUREKA! EUREKA!!" (No! I did not run around naked. Please keep your fantasies reserved for late nights. This is a family blog.) I just looked around expecting for a round of thunderous applause, few soothing pats on the back and lively Derek O' Brien to jump out of the TV with a trophy and declaring me the undisputed winner of the national quiz championship. But there was none to be. Poor me! Amitabh Bachchan and Derek O' Brien were too busy. Even my grandmother and grandfather did not oblige. They kept staring at me through their ten inch photo-frames. I was all-alone, left to study more.

Anyway, I did not care; cheered myself up and decided to cross-check my answer...just for the sake of it. But even before I did so, the tube-light in my mind suddenly flickered on. A new question arose, enough to make Einstein proud; If light is faster than the wind then what is faster than light?

It was a tough one. I put myself in Yudhisthir's shoes and could very well understand the trauma he was going through. "What could be faster than light? Einstein?" I asked myself seeking for help. I gave up after thinking for a while. Einstein was dead. He did not reply back. Nothing came to my mind except for a minute of imposed silence and the new movie of a young-suave Salman Khan with Madhuri Dixit wearing a red-hot saree posed beside him for the ultimate showdown.

I started drooling. The whistle of the pressure cooker brought me back to life. I glanced at the book with squinty eyes as if cheating in an exam. Read the answer, slapped myself and observed two minutes of stunned silence.

Light was out of the question; it was no where near the correct answer. The witty reply given by a nonchalant Yudhisthir was: MIND.

The question stuck with me forever and so did the answer; my mind was never the same as before and neither was I.